The CrunchGear Tech Presidential Primaries

In honor of TechCrunch’s fiercely debated Tech President Endorsements, we present the CrunchGear Tech Presidential Primary. Read on for brief descriptions of our top candidates and a chance to vote.

Senator Palpatine (I-GFFA) — an excellent energy policy (he could shoot it from his fingers) and a strong will make Mr. Palpatine just the man to get us out of the Iraq imbroglio. After all, he did orchestrate the Clone Wars so he’s definitely got war-time experience. His age may be a factor and there’s also the whole Darth Sidious thing. Still, he shoots lightning from his hands. His hands!

President Thomas J. Whitmore (D-??) — An incumbent in this race, President Whitmore is a man who gets the job done in the face of sure and absolute destruction. His pro-hacker Internet policy and hot dog flying skills are icing on the cake.

Eldon Tryrell (R-CA) — With years of business experience under his belt, this “compassionate conservative” knows what it feels like to see attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.

President James Dale — (R-CA) Sure he didn’t make through the end, but he put up a heck of a fight. Mr. Dale is everything we need in a president: a little crazy, a little intelligent, and a lot funny.

Abraham Lincoln (R-IL) — One of our most famous Presidents still knows how not to be totally bogus. His key unifying phrase is “Be excellent to each other…and party on, dudes!” This may be a deterrent to some younger voters, who find such vocabulary a tad stale but the nostalgic male 25-34 demographic might identify with him.

Kodos (I-RVII) — Sure he wants to eat us, but his calm demeanor, patrician accent, and ability to conquer time and space make us look to the future. The constant drooling and lip-smacking might be a turn off for some voters, though.

President Tom Beck (I-CA) — Saving the world isn’t easy, especially when you have a putz like Robert Duvall running your anti-comet league. However, they were able to destroy the impending death ball and, as a result, prevent us all from becoming dust. Thank you, President Beck. Thank you.

William Gibson — Why the hell not? I’d vote for him.

How to vote: Select your candidate below. The two top candidates will then be invited, through the use of found video and fanfic, to debate and a final candidate will be chosen. Begin voting — the polls close on Friday at noon. Write-ins are encouraged.